| St Peter of Damaskos, Book1, A Treasury of Divine Knowledge The Second Stage of Contemplation, Philokalia V3.112 |
Woe is me, unhappy that I am! What shall 1 do? I have sinned greatly; many
blessings are bestowed on me; I am very weak. Many are the temptations: sloth
overwhelms me, forgetfulness benights me and will not let me see myself and my
many crimes. Ignorance is evil; conscious transgression is worse; virtue is difficult
to achieve; the passions are many; the demons are crafty and subtle; sin is easy;
death is near; the reckoning is bitter. Alas, what shall I do? Where shall I flee
from myself? For I am the cause of my own destruction. I have been honoured
with free will and no one can force me. I have sinned, I sin constantly, and am
indifferent to any good thing, though no one constrains me. Whom can I blame?
God, who is good and full of compassion, who always longs for us to turn to Him
and repent? The angels, who love and protect me? Men, who also desire my
progress? The demons? They cannot constrain anyone unless, because of
negligence or despair, he chooses to destroy himself. Who is then to blame?
Surely it is myself?
I begin to see that my soul is being destroyed, and yet I make no effort ‘to
embark on a godly life. Why, O my soul, are you so indifferent about yourself?
Why, when you sin, are you not as ashamed before God and His angels as you are
before men? Alas, alas, for I do not feel the shame before my Creator and Master
that I feel before a man.
Before a man I cannot sin, but do all I can to appear to be acting righteously; yet
standing before God I think evil thoughts and often am not ashamed to speak of
them. What madness! Though I sin, I have no fear of God who watches me, and
yet I cannot tell to a single man what I have done so as to give him a chance to
correct me. Alas, for I know the punishment and yet am unwilling to repent.
I love the heavenly kingdom, and yet do not acquire virtue. I believe in God and
constantly disobey His commandments. I hate the devil, and yet do not stop doing
what he wants. If I pray, I lose interest and become unfeeling. If I fast, I become
proud, and damn myself all the more. If I keep vigil, I think I have achieved
something, and so I have no profit from it. If I read, I do one of two evil things in
my obduracy: either I read for the sake of profane learning and self-esteem, and
so am farther benighted; or by reading, and not acting in the spirit of what I read,
I simply increase my guilt.
If by God’s grace I happen to stop sinning in outward action, I do not stop sinning
blessings are bestowed on me; I am very weak. Many are the temptations: sloth
overwhelms me, forgetfulness benights me and will not let me see myself and my
many crimes. Ignorance is evil; conscious transgression is worse; virtue is difficult
to achieve; the passions are many; the demons are crafty and subtle; sin is easy;
death is near; the reckoning is bitter. Alas, what shall I do? Where shall I flee
from myself? For I am the cause of my own destruction. I have been honoured
with free will and no one can force me. I have sinned, I sin constantly, and am
indifferent to any good thing, though no one constrains me. Whom can I blame?
God, who is good and full of compassion, who always longs for us to turn to Him
and repent? The angels, who love and protect me? Men, who also desire my
progress? The demons? They cannot constrain anyone unless, because of
negligence or despair, he chooses to destroy himself. Who is then to blame?
Surely it is myself?
I begin to see that my soul is being destroyed, and yet I make no effort ‘to
embark on a godly life. Why, O my soul, are you so indifferent about yourself?
Why, when you sin, are you not as ashamed before God and His angels as you are
before men? Alas, alas, for I do not feel the shame before my Creator and Master
that I feel before a man.
Before a man I cannot sin, but do all I can to appear to be acting righteously; yet
standing before God I think evil thoughts and often am not ashamed to speak of
them. What madness! Though I sin, I have no fear of God who watches me, and
yet I cannot tell to a single man what I have done so as to give him a chance to
correct me. Alas, for I know the punishment and yet am unwilling to repent.
I love the heavenly kingdom, and yet do not acquire virtue. I believe in God and
constantly disobey His commandments. I hate the devil, and yet do not stop doing
what he wants. If I pray, I lose interest and become unfeeling. If I fast, I become
proud, and damn myself all the more. If I keep vigil, I think I have achieved
something, and so I have no profit from it. If I read, I do one of two evil things in
my obduracy: either I read for the sake of profane learning and self-esteem, and
so am farther benighted; or by reading, and not acting in the spirit of what I read,
I simply increase my guilt.
If by God’s grace I happen to stop sinning in outward action, I do not stop sinning
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